Gears of War 3

Whenever I procrastinate, I play video games, which lulls me into a false sense of “it’s okay” whenever I put off a review, because I’m just back-logging games to review later, right? But I’ve had a Gears of War 3 review staring me in the face for the better part of the last few (mumble, throat clear). I even have the dish ready to go with this bad-boy, but I come back to the keyboard and make small talk with a blank screen. You know what? Enough is enough, because you know what? There is no small talk in war, no time for waxing poetic, no time to put the “pussy” back in “pussy footing around”. I’m pulling the trigger.

The Gears of War franchise has impressed me from the moment Marcus bolted on screen to that sick “Mad World” cover. It was an interesting break from the formula of slapping heavy metal over a soldier recovering from some kind of blast impact in a way Guy Pearce only WISHES he could.

How do you set out and make a war-time, sci-fi shooter that not only gives gamers what they want, but what they didn’t even know they wanted? Well, from the beginning Epic has made it look too easy from the over-the-shoulder 3rd person interpretation of 1^st person game-play tropes, to the psycho simplicity of cutting someone in half with a chainsaw bayonet. I didn’t know I wanted that until the first time I did it, and then I wanted a chainsaw bayonet in every game.

 

Every. Game.

Okay, maybe that would break the whole ambiance of Shadow of the Colossus, but there’s no excuse for Mario.

Didn't have to be this way.

I was up all night playing the first game. There were things I liked, and there were things I loved, and my expectations rode high once a sequel was announced. I was pumped, one might even say “amped”, so much so I put most of the bro-skis in the midnight line outside GameStop to shame.  Then, I got the game home, fired it up, and it was okay. Wait, what? “Okay”!? I mean, yeah, it was cool to get a closer look at the Horde side of things, but nothing much was being changed, and nothing felt pushed further. The game, to my dismay, was a filler, a decent one, but nothing compelling was keeping me completely involved. I was playing a formula, a beautiful equation with a simple answer: turn your brain off and shoot. This couldn’t have been the first game as well, right? Because that one pushed the norms and balance between what was a flashy gimmick and what was totally innovative. It challenged me to accept these new characters, this new world, this story pieced together from imaginative scraps. The gimmick in the second game was good, don’t get me wrong, but in my opinion, to be wholly memorable, a franchise shouldn’t rely on gimmick.

I wasn’t really hooked back in until Dom finally found Maria again. That, for me, brought the game back around to what made the first game great, because there was always a theme of the heroes going out with a bang, no matter what. They didn’t go out shooting because they thought they were going to make it, either. In the first commercial alone, Marcus turns to face a pack of Corpsers, resigns, and pulls the trigger on the lot of them anyway. Dom having to solve a problem like Maria brought back what I loved from the first game; the damn character, the damn story!

"Let me do that scene again. I'll bring the intensity. The human struggle!"

Gears of War 3 took this moment and came full circle. Not only does the franchise return with new tech, a refined and cleaner multiplayer, and the tried-and-true combat, but the focus swings back to the characters and the story. Even the supporting cast gets a face-lift. Anya has shaken her role as the team Cortana, and is armed up, ready to take on the Horde. Colonel “Depends” Hoffman maintains a COG stronghold with his bad-ass dread-locked silver-fox wife. The latest Carmine … well, I’ll let you see for yourself. There are more characters than ever before in this game, which really fleshed out Sera as a world to me. There was even a distinction between regions and cultures through some characters, and a return to the Stranded keeps it all so flavorful and even a little trashy. The pièce de résistance, for me, would have to be my newest girl-crush Sam; Baird’s feisty foil. Did I leave someone out?

 

Nope. Don’t think so.

The Epic team is not through playing with mechanics. The roadie run is smooth and speedy, and neither bullet nor cover’s corner will impede you. Aside from a few other house-cleaning additions, some new firearms challenge you to pay attention to the physics of the weapon, and no two weapons fire or work the same. My favorite tweak involved picking up Locust weaponry. The active reload mechanic becomes inverted, making  your rival’s weapon truly an alien piece of  machinery.

Oh, yeah. These are pretty cool too.

The level design has taken a great turn. The first two levels connect to one another, stacked like Pulp Fiction vignettes; at first they seem unrelated, and then it all comes together. Another mission sees our heroes in a city that was the focal point of a Hammer of Dawn attack early in the war. The town is dusted in ash, reminiscent of a haunted house, complete with its ghosts; the people caught in the blast, turned to ashen statues reduce to dusty piles at the faintest touch. There is an excellent horde attack on Colonel Hoffman’s COG bastion that pits you and your team against an all-out Horde assault, only to be interrupted by an incredible “aw shit” moment. The environments are excellent; more colorful this go around, more detailed than ever before. Sera comes to life, and you really get a sense that this alien planet is through posing as an Earth knock-off. It’s like they’re practicing for an MMO or something.

 

/please!?

There was one aspect of this third installment I was not looking forward to: the Lambent. One small nudge and they’d be the new “Flood”, a concept that always seemed cool on paper when it came to playing the Halo games, but in practice made me OD on my own pathetic tears as I snapped my 5th controller in half.

Fuck right off.

However, Gears of War 3 pulls off the Lambent, showing the player a new depth of “we’re fucked” when it comes to dealing with the Horde. They come with weaknesses to be exploited, and strengths to be avoided. The player is challenged to re-think their strategy, and even develop a few more tricks, such as exploding Lambent next to other Lambent. It’s like a fleshy 4^th of July!

 

“Shit! This is what you guys have been doing when I’m not out here? Deuces!” – xoxo Anya

Now, when it comes to multiplayer, I’m a stick in the mud. My idea of multiplayer has always been about going to a friend’s house with your controller, where the price of admission is a couple of Cokes and a promise to go in on pizza. I do understand our current multiplayer hooplah is about connecting us with other players all over the world, blah blah blah, but I’m old fashioned, and I’ve noticed most of that time that “connection” is spent trying to ban an infamous de-leveller known only as HempNHoller420, or yelling at Chinese gamer prodigies taking a break from playing all Rock Band peripherals to indulge in some headshots. That being said, I actually do like the multiplayer in Gears of War 3. The maps are excellent, bringing the combat into closer quarters, with an improved UI that keeps players up to date as they scramble to be the next “King of the Hill”. My favorite had to be “Beast”, which puts the player in the Horde’s shoes. It’s awesome; you play the Locusts, you squish humans, everyone goes home happy. Especially, if they get to play a Ticker.

 

See? That’s me in the front.

For those new to the franchise, I recommend checking out the original trailer for Gears of War before firing up the first game, keep your Kryll pimphand strong in RAAM’s Shadow, check out the trailer for Gears of War 2, and then drop yourself into that installment. Of the three games, it may be the weaker, but that doesn’t make it a waste of time. The last stretch of the game is worth it, and really kick-starts the mood for the third game. The fix doesn’t have to end there.

 Far from it.

Gears of War 3

Replayability 1

Design 2

Story 2

Sound 1

Gameplay & Mechanics 2

Total: 8 heroes’ journeys out of 10

Epic kicks the franchise back into gear, taking the risk to really focus on plot in their third installment of their successful series. New mechanics and beasties keep the player on their toes, and multiplayer provides hours of fun once the battle is done. The world and its inhabitants see remarkable improvement from the previous two games, the world of Sera is defined enough to inspire a little awe in even the hardest soldier.

Stay tuned for the dish inspired by the game!

The Saboteur: Shepherd’s Pie au Gratin

In honor of culture smorgasboard The Saboteur, the French and Irish mix, mingle, and defeat Nazis in this tres bizarre take on the classic Shepherd’s Pie. That’s right, I’m bringing fusion cooking up in here. I was joined by a very special guest “sous” for this post.

OurMommyWar

That’s right, my mom dropped by! After a trip to the Marietta Square’s farmer’s market, mom and I whipped up some champagne mojitos and tackled this recipe together. By the way, we used a mojito mix from Mo’ Mint. Check them out!

Since it’s a bit of a monster, let’s get started. I’ve never made Shepherd’s Pie, so I turned to one of my favorite sources of inspiration: Alton Brown. If you would like to try your hand at a more classic rendition of this recipe, you can find Alton Brown’s complete version here.

Until then?

Shepherd’s Pie au Gratin

Hardware: Mandolin (optional, I just like it for the potatoes), 11″x7″ baking dish, micro-plane grater (if you are going to use a nutmeg seed), saute pan, and stock pot.

Mandolin!

Filling

(Potato au Gratin will follow)

• 2 Tbs. canola oil
• 1 cup chopped onion
• 2 carrots, peeled and diced small
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 1/2 lbs. ground lamb
• 1 tsp. kosher salt
• 1/2 tsp. freshly ground black pepper
• 2 Tbls. all-purpose flour
• 2 tsps. tomato paste
• 1 cup chicken broth
• 1 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
• 2 tsps. freshly chopped rosemary leaves
• 1 tsp. freshly chopped thyme leaves
• 1/2 cup fresh or frozen corn kernels
• 1/2 cup fresh or frozen English peas

Preheat your oven to 400(F).

Place the canola oil into the saute pan and set over medium high heat. Give the oil some time to heat up, and then add the onion and carrots and saute just until they begin to take on color, approximately 3 to 4 minutes. Add the garlic and stir to combine.

Add the lamb, salt and pepper. Brown and cook the lamb through, and then sprinkle with the flour. Stir that around to combine. This will soak up a lot of fat that the lamb will sweat out.

After about a minute, add the tomato paste, chicken broth, Worcestershire, rosemary, thyme, and stir to combine.

Might I recommend the fresh stuff?

Bring to a boil, then reduce the heat to low. Cover the deliciousness and let that simmer for 10 minutes or until slightly thickened.

Add the corn and peas, and spread the whole shabang into the baking dish.

Set aside.

Potato au Gratin Topping

• 1 tsp. unsalted butter
• 4 cups heavy cream
• 2 tsps. salt, divided
• 1 tsp. freshly ground black pepper
• 2 sprigs thyme
• 1/2 tsp. fresh ground nutmeg
• 3 lbs. white or Idaho potatoes, peeled and cut into 1/4-inch slices
• 8 oz. Gruyere, grated

Place the cream in the stock pot and bring to a simmer over medium-high heat.

Add the salt, pepper, thyme, and nutmeg, and stir well. Add the potatoes, adding more cream if necessary to completely cover the potatoes. Lower the heat to medium-low and simmer for about 10 minutes, or until the potatoes are almost fork tender

Remove from the heat.

Filling and Topping

Using a slotted spoon, transfer 1/3 of the potatoes with some of the cream to the prepared dish of Shepherd’s pie filling, forming an even layer across the top of the lamb mixture. A lot of cream still carries over with the potatoes, so the slotted spoon helped me control how much cream got into the overall dish.

Top with 1/3 of the cheese, and continue layering the potatoes and cheese, ending with cheese on top.

Before!

Roast the dish for about 30 minutes, or until everything is golden brown and bubbly.

After! (Also, promise the next recipe will not be "casserole style" of kitchen fu.)

Remove to a cooling rack for at least 15 minutes before serving. I served mine with a small dash of Worcestershire on the plate. I really liked Alton’s use of the stuff, and the edible garnish just looked nice to me, too.

Yep. Time for a new camera.

Get ready to bare your teeth for the next review!

It’s coming…

This one was some kind of fun monster. It’s worth the wait! Also got a great batch of games and gourmet coming up. Welcome to autumn, bitches!

The Saboteur

I remember one night when a friend of mine was the last clone in his squad on Star Wars: Battlefront. We skipped seeing a movie and were instead beholden to his Spartan-like struggle against the enemy. Sure, drinking was heavily involved, but I like to think the experience would have been appreciated just as much if we were sober, too. Destroy All Humans and Mercenaries was incredibly fun, and brought some cool takes to the world-destruction genre that Rockstar had cornered for years. Okay, so that being said, I am really bummed out that I have to give a review like this to a treasured studio’s swan swong.

Because I could not stand The Saboteur.

The game is set in World War II, and you play Sean Devlin, a sneering Irish race-car driver on a revenge path laden with death wishes and whiskey. He is after Dierker, a high-ranking Nazi official who tortured and killed Sean’s bucket-seat buddy, Jules. On his road to vengeance, Sean is unwillingly recruited into the French Resistance, which he supports and observes with about as much enthusiasm and begrudged quipping as Statler and Waldorf watching “The Muppet Show”.

"There goes the neighborhood." "Can we go with it?" Ohhh-hohoho!

For the most part, the design is cool, and plunges the player into the black-and-white world of Nazi occupied Paris. Every time Sean completes a significant mission that delivers part of Paris back to the Resistance, color is restored to that area. It is a neat effect, if not a bit hokey, and the first time I saw it I thought someone had opened the arc of the covenant. I covered my eyes, and subsequently ran my snazzy buggy into a wall.

Not a wall in sight. Perfect!

The controls, actually, are at their best when you are driving in this game. And ya know, the cars are more unique than most of the characters, which does not bode well for, oh, character arcs in the long run. Anyway, each one demands a certain touch on the controls, and reflect the weight, design, and abilities of the car being deftly maneuvered and muscled for rank.

Fuel burning fast on an empty tank!

However, step outside the car, and the controls mess with you. Not the best button layout, but you do get used to it. This is if you can get through the unresolved bugs and denied feature requests that could not be totally addressed as Pandemic started closing its doors. The resulting finish for the game is rushed and rough on the gamer.

So, all bugs and unable-to-save-during-missions aside, I still have trouble with this game. I do understand that Sean Devlin is based off a real figure that was very involved with the French Resistance, but I sooooort of wanted to see a French person in the French Resistance game? Sorry, I’m being unkind. What I mean to say is… I wanted to see more than three French people in the French Resistance game.  Everyone else was Irish, Scottish, British, German (duh), Italian, African, or Spanish.

I couldn't find a good example picture of multiculturalism, so I went with this. I also liked Pandemic's censoring decision here.

I know all of these nationalities were involved in some way with World War II, but I really would have been interested to see the culture of the French in the French Resistance. I was bummed out by the clumsy batch of ethnocentric jokes and Sean Devlin’s brand of likening things to vessels for his dick. Usually, these sort of things don’t bum me out, but this game could never really decide if it wanted to be cheeky with moments of drama, or dramatic with moments of cheeky, it just sort of waffled.

"I've got some warm topping for your Belgian pastry right here!"

There were some ideas and elements that did come together, though, aside from the whole bringing rainbows back to the land of Nazi corn-holed Paris. Driving your getaway car into a mob of French freedom fighters, only to tear ass out of that vehicle to stand with them against your Nazi pursuers was engaging and incredibly fun. The races you can compete in are a rush, and infiltrating Nazi bases did tease the stealth nut in me.

But elements like sloppy highlights indicating where you can climb, and Nazis with super-sensory perception of how much you reek of “final solution” just dragged things down for me. Surely, the voice acting helped cope with – surely, it did not! Wow, that was rough. Wow. I could not get on board with that either. In a game where everyone uses accents the way most people use your mother, I clung to my in-game car radio to take me away.  And god…. DAMN if I had to go back to Santos of Mexico-Spain one more time for transit papers I was gonna choke a bitch.

Guest Caption: "Listen 'ere, Santos, thar's more transit papers in this damn game than thar is sabotage, and the name of the game ain't... "Transit Papers". Visit Andy at http://www.thehollywoodprojects.com.

Pandemic produced some really fun games back in the day, games I would be more than happy to throw on right now, but The Saboteur is just not one of them in my book. Games can be multiple things to multiple people, but this game never quite hits that sweet spot for me. There are great ideas mulling around in the concept, but it never quite comes to life. When a studio shuts down, it can be a slow death or an abrupt end, sometimes even a slow death that leads to an abrupt end. Regardless, it’s always depressing, and it’s sad that Pandemic didn’t have the time to get this game where it needed to be.

Replayability 0

Design 1

Story 1

Sound 1

Gameplay & Mechanics 1

Total: 4 transit papers out of 10

For all its prettiness, the story is a touch flat, and drags. Shoddy voice acting is eclipsed by a decent sound track. Fun driving mechanics spin circles around an otherwise shot control scheme. The Saboteur pulses with potential embers that never quite sparked for me. Pandemic, you deserved more than the time you got to give us this game, and we miss you.

9 Layer Spicy Lasagna

It only make sense, so let’s skip the pleasantries and get a little personal.

When I first started cooking, I mean really getting into it, my sister was a big influence on me. One of the first things we made together was lasagna. We would drink wine, put on tunes, and she taught me the things my parents taught her. It is amazing how life changing the little things can be; al dente noodles, tongue-tickling wines, and toe-tapping music.

So, really, what I’m gonna do with this one is post my spicy marinara recipe, and a basic lasagna recipe will follow.

Spicy Marinara

• 2 Tbl. butter
• 1 med. onion, chopped
• 1 jalapeno, chopped
• 2 cloves garlic, chopped
• 1 Tbl. rosemary
• 1 can diced tomatoes (or 15oz.)
• 1 small can tomato paste
• 1 heavy pinch red pepper flakes
• 1 heavy pinch black pepper
• 1 Tbl. honey
• 1 Bay leaf
• Salt to taste.
• 1 lb. spicy Italian sausage (Mild or Hot; depends on how hot you want this dish!)

1. Crank the burner to medium heat and melt the better. When a delicious, roasted nut smell hits the air, your butter is ready. Drop in the chopped onion and jalapeno. Sautee like this for about five minutes, or until the onions become translucent. Reduce the heat a little, add a couple tablespoons of water, and cover. Keep an eye on your onions and jalapeno as they caramelize, re-hydrate with water in tablespoon increments.
2. After 15 minutes, add the garlic and rosemary, and stir for 2-3 minutes, or until the garlic aromatic kicks in. Another way I can gauge this is if I hear my husband from the other room: “What smells so good!?”
3. Now, dump in the tomatoes and tomato paste, and mix until fully incorporated with the other ingredients. If you would like to avoid molten lava marinara popping into your eye when you peer in at the delicious smelling sauce, lower your heat. If you enjoy pain, you dirty bitch, your gonna want to lower that heat anyway, otherwise you’ll scorch the bottom of your sauce, and that is gross.
4. Add your red pepper flakes, black pepper, honey, bay leaf and salt. Stir until incorporated, and let rest at a low heat.
5. While the sauce is cooking, brown the Italian sausage, drain, and stir in the meat.
6. Process the whole hot, delicious mess in a food processor or blender, and set aside.

P.S.

I actually  had to double this recipe with the sheer volume of lasagna I was working with. You may not need to do the same, if you opt for a small lasagna, but just in case, make a little extra. If you don’t, the worst thing that can happen is a sauce mortar for your lasagna that’s'as faded as my jeans. However, if you do make extra, the worst thing that will happen is you have some left over marinara sauce!

The 9 Layer Lasagna

A case for not only letting your lasagna set, gang, but also submitting it to http://www.thisiswhyyourefat.com

Preheat your oven to 375.

Select your pan. You’re looking for a standard casserole pan, about 4″-5″ deep.

Set this aside with a layer of sauce coating the bottom.

Bring 5 quarts of water to a rolling boil, and drop in one noodle at a time. I would recommend using… the whole pack, and some change. Depends on the length and width of the pan you are using. It’s good to drop in one noodle at a time to avoid them clumping together, which can tear the noodles. Also, add in a dash of oil to that water to help prevent further clumping.

Since these noodles will continue to bake in the oven for about an hour (or more), we don’t want to cook them all the way through. Boil the noodles for about 8-10 minutes, until al dente, which is a really fancy Italian term for par-cooking that you will fuck up on more than one occasion.

Anywho! Drain and rinse with cool water to stop the noodles from cooking further. Until you are ready to use them, set them out to dry on paper towels or paper towels on a cooling rack .

Now, you can start assembling your lasagna. I used a lot of different fillers for each layer, I wanted to try and make them each different out of respect for the game. One layer was parmesan and bacon, another was heirloom tomatoes and ricotta, another layer was spicy, smoked andouille sausage!

... I like to think one day P&P: The Movie will net me enough clams to buy fresh mozzarella... all the time. Go with the sliced stuff if you're trying to save some cheese, but always buy fresh when you can!

You can fill your lasagna with pretty much anything you want, but remember this:

Make sure every layer is covered with sauce or cheese, or you will have crusty noodles. Blegh! 

Cover your lasagna with foil. Tent the foil so it doesn’t come in contact with your cheese and peel it back when you uncover the lasagna, which you will want to do for the last 15 minutes of baking. 

Cook for one hour (remembering to uncover for the last 15 minutes) or until the lasagna reaches an internal temperature of 160. You will also want to look for a brown bubbly top.

Like this!

Let the lasagna sit for 15 minutes outside the stove so all of the ingredients can set.

Serve that shit!

Dante’s Inferno

There is only one way to open up a review about Dante’s Inferno.

That’s right. Titties. All kinds of titties. Full titties. Saggy titties. Cleopatra titties that spit out unbaptized damned babies that want nothing more than to make you their play thing.

These blocks would be your balls. Natch.

First, I want to get the literary stuff out of the way, because this isn’t a book club, but dammit if you’re gonna make a game based off a book, I can’t just… not say something! I mean, if you were to ever answer Pixels and Pies trivia and the question came up asking who OurLadyWar’s favorite Italian Renaissance writer was, you will get major points for saying: Dante Alighieri. So, really quickly, just so it doesn’t dominate the review: his muse, Beatrice, is supposed to save Dante in the circles of Hell, not the other way around. Dante is having a mid-life crisis before entering Hell, really this is one big Viagra commercial with some soul searching in.

In the midway of this our mortal life, I found me in a gloomy wood, astray... and with an erection that has lasted longer than four hours. Shit.

Such dick jokes aside, the Inferno itself is an allegorical tercet ridden masterpiece that I will drop anything to read should a copy ever swagger in. This does not a video game totally make, but there is definitely something alluring about designing a Orpheus adventure, isn’t there?

That being said, yes, Visceral’s Dante’s Inferno is a far cry from Alighieri’s intentions when he put pen to paper way back in the day. That also being said, regarding what I said earlier, P&P ain’t a book club, so I’m moving on from that to something a little more relevant. For example, it’s not that far of a cry from something else that you may recognize. Let me just lay it out for you like this: IF you were to pick up Dante’s Inferno after playing, say, ANY of the God of War games, you would more than likely fare pretty well down the road to the center of the Hell. Is Visceral doing anything new here with your basic, starting controls? No, not at all. In fact, it is dizzying how similar portions of the game are to God of War. From quick time events, to Dante’s color scheme, to his combo moves, to some aspects of boss battles, to kicking movable objects and opening stubborn doors. It’s there.

This is what I think of your damn terza rima!

So, I guess I’m not making a great case so far am I? You know, for why you should actually, hm, play this game? C’mon, this review wouldn’t be here if I didn’t think it was worth making the argument, would it? Or, hell, even picking up the controller? I mean, look at me, I’m a sucker for the innovative who loves Dante Alighieri and still played a game that reads more like a heavy metal album cover than a cantos while it flirts with the Ghost of Sparta himself, and liked it.

That’s right. I actually really liked Dante’s Inferno, and here’s why.

"Uh-uh! You sit your squishy ass there and you take it!"

Look, yes, there are similarities between this game and its predecessor God of War, but fucking A it’s fun. The story is, let’s be honest, it would have been nice to see the source material more at play here; e.g. Dante, a lost soul, cannot escape Hell without the aid of his lost love, Beatrice. There’s a lot of fluff in the story that is beautifully animated in between devil rumbles, but it really is just fluff. Trashy, mind-rotting, eat that shit up with a spoon and ride the heartburn wave fluff.

Sexy fluff.

It was nice to have a main character that didn’t SHOUT FOR EVERYTHING HE WANTED, NEEDED, AND, IN PASSING, THOUGHT ABOUT. Seriously, I don’t think Kratos could ask a grocery clerk if his coupon was still good without tearing his own esophageal lining in a fit of the screamies. Example, there was a great moment when Dante was faced with what should be the end of his quest, but he still persisted without pomp or verbal fanfare, and the silence of the decision was juicy.

It's because he's a poet. Wiiiiiink.

I actually found the mechanics more fluid than God of War, and the choice of following a righteous or damned path with my abilities was a great touch in specifying just what sort of tortured soul I wanted out of Dante.  In the end, the English nerd in me took the righteous path which included absolving tortured souls in the bowels of Hell as I went. What I can only describe as the cherry on this hellish sundae is the option to punish or absolve souls. You can absolve your demonic opponents for more righteous points, but the real tickler was that I would occasionally encounter characters like Electra or Pontius Pilate and enter mini-games to absolve their mother-fucking souls. You can also discover and equip relics (and other items) that give you special modifications (and even powers).

The power of Christ compels you, bitches!

The game’s design is a twisted and demented playground orchestrated by a dramatic soundtrack, and the influence of Gustave Dore’s art is everywhere.

Spoiler.

Walls are made of the twisting flesh of the damned, and there is no end to the blood, the bones, and the tortured yells of the unfortunate. Opening a door means forcing your way past a demon relief that tries to keep your scythe from disemboweling/unlocking it. Once again, Visceral shows off their creature features. I loved that the corpses I had to fight weren’t these emaciated zombie looking things, but instead these distended, bloated cadavers. The demon and damned designs are impressive in their details, and the bosses for each boss battle are just damn fun to look at. Getting back to the English nerd in me, briefly, I really liked that I would occasionally bump into my spectral hell guide, Virgil, who would recite the Inferno to me. That was awesome.

My favorite character design: Cerberus.

If you have Gamefly, put it on the list. If you see it for about $20.00 bucks at your local Game Stop, pick it up. If your friend offers to loan it to you, take him up on it. This game is fun, fucked up, and worth the looksee. It’s not exactly Alighieri’s Inferno, but frankly, I do have the book for that, and even if there are inaccuracies, I’m just happy to see a video game based off a classic piece of literature. It’s almost God of War, but still manages to be its own game. Sometimes the innovation is in the fun, and Visceral has proved they can mess with the generic control scheme of a game and come out okay on the other end. If they want to kick their feet up a bit, I won’t grudge them.

"Is someone talking about me?"

But don’t think I didn’t notice all those fucked up ladies and babies attacking me, Visceral. I’m onto you, but don’t worry, I’m happy to stay on your case.

But seriously, you should get some therapy.

Replayability 1

Design 2

Story 1

Sound 2

Gameplay & Mechanics 1

Total: 7 titties out of 10

Loosen up and give it a shot, especially when there are so many ways to get a current game for cheap these days. It does not go above and beyond a lot of common conventions, but the best word to define this blood bath is “fun”. It’s an average game with an addicting quality I just couldn’t turn away. The controls are very intuitive, especially if you are familiar with the hack-and-slash side of gaming. Eye candy abounds, and does not disappoint as you fight your way to the love of your life and afterlife.

Stay tuned for the dish inspired by the game!

Stuffed Potatoes and Black Bean Cake

So, considering all the babies featured in Dead Space 2, my first inclination was a veal something-or-other, just saying.

Just. Saying.

I veal be, too.

But, I wanted to opt for something a little more playful in the end. I really liked how you could stomp on your enemies and get good stuff out of them, and sometimes yellow flesh indicators on bigger bosses indicate the best places to shoot ‘em. So, I made stuffed potatoes topped with sharp cheddar. All you have to do is push past the gooey awesomeness of the cheese to get to everything else.

Stuffed potatoes skins really aren’t that hard if you work with the right taters, precious!

You want to work with russets, the skin is pretty durable, but still separates nicely from the potato flesh nicely if the potato is cooked all the way through. Don’t toss out all those potato innards either! You can reserve that for mashed potatoes in a pinch, or even gnocchi… which I messed up, because there was too much water in the potatoes… because I added water. What I’m saying is, should the inclination to put a little water in with your food processing potatoes seize you, shake it off immediately, or you will be reduced to a tragic puddle of misery on your tiled kitchen floor, covered in flour, rocking back and forth crying: Why me?

This is only partially exaggerated.

So, all that pomp aside, let’s get to the good stuff.

Stuffed Potatoes and Black Bean Cakes

3 russett potatoes

Salt and pepper

Olive oil (or Canola oil)

1. Heat your oven to 350(F). Make sure you wash your potatoes thoroughly!
2. Dry them and then poke about 10 deep holes in the spud. Coat with the oil and then sprinkle with the salt and pepper.
3. Bake your potatoes for 45 minutes to 1 hour, the flesh should feel soft beneath the skin. Let your potatoes cool to the point where you can handle them. Draw a knife up the middle the way you would if you were opening a potato to load up with your bacon bits (dear god why?) and sour cream. Only, instead of putting everyting all up in there right away, you want to carefully scoop out the potato until you have your skin left.
4. The flesh should draw away from the skin easily. From here? The sky’s the limit, folks. You can stuff your potato with veggies, with meat, with veggies and meat. I stuffed mine with avocado, tomato, corn, and barbequed chicken. Just top it off with some cheese in the end, if you so desire, and pop that under the broiler to get an attractive color and shell on that goodness.

Black Bean Cake

1 can black beans (drained, rinced, cooked)

1 big shallot

1 jalapeno, seeded

2 cloves of garlic

Salt and pepper to taste

Cornmeal (about a half cup at most)

3 Tbl. Oil of choice.

1. Process or blend the treated beans with the shallot, jalapeno, garlic and some salt or pepper until you have what can safely be called a rough batter. Form little patties, and then turn them over in cornmeal for a light coating. You can also thicken the batter by turning them over in flour, dipping in stirred egg, and then flipping in panko.
2. Heat the oil in a pan at medium high. Place the patties in the oil, and cook on each side for about 2-3 minutes, or until browned. Settle on paper-towels to dry, and serve!

Dead Space 2

My survival horror games just keep getting complicated. Initially, all I ever had to do was shoot a zombie in the brain. You know what? That was stressful and incentive enough for me to get from first to last level, because if I didn’t shoot that zombie in the head, I understood the consequences. The gravitas of a situation involving very few severed spinal columns, if you will, is never lost on me. What are those consequences you ask? If you have to ask, You, then you are not prepared, and you’ll need more than a can-opener to make that hill of beans that’s supposed to amount to how much of a shit I give.

Then again, I can’t turn my nose up to the layered, complicated survival horror that I have to peel back like a mind-wrenching blooming onion that induces me with nightmares instead of… complicated potty time. One of the best things about horror – especially survival horror – is you get to peek into the psyche of “man” involved in these extreme instances. What would man do given the chance to do x? When faced with y? Or even tempted by z? It’s just that an excellent survival horror game is when my skin feels too tight for my body, my hands clench, and my heart thunders in my ears, all of which make for a terrible plot point receptacle.

But if that’s one of the only problems I have with Dead Space 2? That I was too fucking scared to absorb all of the plot points being thrown in between spasms of frenzied survival? I’ll take it.

Visceral Games brings back Isaac Clark; engineer, sexy older man, pottery hobbyist, and destroyer of… whatever the flying fuck this is.

Dead Space 2 is the latest chapter in Visceral Games’ Dead Space universe. I am still playing the Wii rail shooter, and I am hunting down the DVD because holy crap, there are just a few things I maaaaaay have missed in the interim. Taking the game as it is, without the additional media, gang, I feel like I may have wandered into a movie, and have several too many questions.

Which reeeaaally pisses this guy off.

But, man, did I eat the opening up. Confined to a straight jacket, weaponless, and bombarded by familiar nasties, my heart was in my throat instantly. I was terrified, and the tension never let up. Visceral Games really explores the space on this installment of survival horror. The environment is a little more useful than before; you can still draw your enemies into harmful rays, but a nice touch is also having the option of shooting out windows to jet them into the void of space. Of course, if you don’t close the emergency hatch, you’re going right out there with them. I even noticed that there is an invisibility cloak around every elevator; once I stepped on any form of lift or elevator, my enemies immediately abandoned me!

Okay, so that last one was a bug. Still, very helpful.

Hold that elev-AGH!

The game is set on Sprawl, a city built on a remnant of Saturn’s Titan moon. The city competes closely with Bioshock’s Rapture; every portion of the station has a personality, but there is consistency with the architecture at the structural heart of each unique design. A few more puzzles take place outside, as well, which was something I – in retrospect – had missed in the first game; the outdoor puzzles were teasing, brief adventures, but  in the sequel, I have found satisfaction in the form of boss fights, mini-games/sequences, puzzles, and then some.

Isaac Clarke’s character design and performance is further explored. The player sees more of his face in this game, and he expresses more character quirks when in the presence of other characters. There were double the power nodes in this game, as well, which meant I could customize his arsenal much more thoroughly. The suit designs were fantastic, especially the vintage piece. There were also more puzzles in this game that had Isaac Clarke putting his engineering degree to the test, as opposed to his brawn.

Well-balanced.

The creatures are back, and they are uglier and deadlier than ever. There is no safe haven from these things in this game; they will always find a way to get to you (unless you’re on an elev-AGH!). I’m not complaining, the threat is real, very real, and in a survival horror game, I should never for a second doubt it.

Doubtless.

I have to say, though, there was something cracking me up a bit. I think the creator(s) of Dead Space/Dead Space 2 have some major commitment issues that need to be hashed out. Let’s just look at the first game, it’s tame enough: you have your girlfriend/ex-girlfriend helping you out, and occasionally you get attacked by an evil baby with tentacles coming out of its split open back. Normal enough, one might even say healthy.

Seen here: Healthy.

Okay, in this game, guys? In this game. In this game, first of all, your ex-girlfriend trying to give you a heart attack at every turn as she attacks you with mental trips that would put some of Syd Barret’s visions to shame.

Put a ring on it!

Furthermore, in this installment, you are no longer being attacked by one baby monster, but three! The first baby is the original one, the one with all the spines sticking out of its back. The second baby is a crawler that can explode if you come anywhere near it. The third baby is actually a toddler with long arms and spindly claws that’s always trying to grab you. I’m just saying, there are other ways to drop a hint to that not-so-special someone that you ain’t quite ready, other than making a best-selling game, Visceral.

I don't think anyone's ready for this, honestly.

All that dime value psychology aside, if you’re a fan of the series, I think you’ll like this one. If you’ve never played a Dead Space game before, you might be up plot creek without a plasma cutter, but that’s okay, you know why? Because that means you get to go back and play the first one and enjoy my badass Planet Cracker Fried Chicken while you’re at it. Nothing better than a slippery controller, heyo.

Replayability 1

Design 2

Story 1

Sound 2

Gameplay & Mechanics 2

Total: 8 psychologically damaging babies out of 10

Weapons with new personalities will help you cut a path to the heart of the matter – and well-designed world – when it comes to navigating the okay plot of Dead Space 2. The urge to go back through and own face a little better kicks in instantly after the first play through, for everything else there is a multiplayer option that harkens back to predecessors  Left4Dead and Left4Dead2 where you are the hunter or hunted. Although this game does not surpass its original, it’s consistent as it tells the player its continuing story of Isaac Clarke. I strongly recommend playing this franchise from the beginning, and check out all the media in between. You will not be disappointed.

Coming up, the dish inspired by the game.

Crème brûlée

The thought of Crème brûlée flambée definitely occurred to me.

Over and over and over again. The idea of combining liquor and fire was all too appealing. Could that be why there is now a new fire extinguisher in the house?

Maybe next time.

Creme Brulee Flambe

So, the exact origins of Crème brûlée are a bit scattered and hard to pin down, like most famous recipes, and most Wolverine comic books. It surfaced in the late 17th century, and sort of revolved through British and French cuisine from then on.

Questionable origins.

You can make crème brûlée a couple different ways. It is traditionally a custard base, so lots of eggs and lots of cream, flavored with vanilla. You can flavor it with all sorts of stuff, I even found recipe that called for rosemary, but in the end I stuck with the original since it was my first time.

The finishing technique can be done three ways.

Flambee! Sprinkle the top of the custard with sugar, drizzle on some liquor, and then set it aglow.

You can also do something closer to a crème catalana, which involves using a broiler to harden the shell, and never a flame.

Or! If you have a butane torch laying around, you can always use that too.

I did pick up a butane torch, but opted for the broiler, since I figured most people would be using a broiler anyway. I will, most likely, use the butane torch in the future. I would also love to play with other herbs or zests, too. Lemon and rosemary is just way too appealing to me not to try!

In any case, when it comes to reflecting a game about shining a light on your enemies to finish them off, this recipe felt too perfect. So here it is, folks:

Alan Wake Crème Brûlée

(Serves 6)

• 1 vanilla pod (or 1 tsp. of vanilla extract)
• 4 cups heavy cream
• 6 egg yolks
• 1/2 cup superfine sugar
• 1 Tbs. bourbon
• 1 Tbs. orange juice*
• 1/3 cup soft light brown sugar

*So, you can get a little experimental here. The original recipe called for “orange liqueur”, which my broke ass definitely does not have. You can use lots of stuff here, but make sure it yields 2 Tbs. in the end.

Get six 1/2 ramekins in a roasting pan or oven proof dish and set aside. I had four 1 cup ramekins and still had enough batter left over. You may be able to squeeze one more ramekin out of this!

Preheat your oven to 300(F).

If you are working with a vanilla pod: Split the pod lengthwise and scrape the seeds into a medium pan. To that, add your cream and bring to a boil on medium-high heat. You don’t need to babysit, but make sure you stir frequently!

Once you reach your boil, remove the pan from the heat and cover. Set the pan aside to stand for 15-20 minutes.

Start boiling enough water to come halfway up the sides of the ramekins in the pan.

Meanwhile, in a bowl, whisk the egg yolks, sugar and liqueur together until they are well blended.

Not well blended!

Whisk in the cream and strain into a large jug or pitcher. Do not chill! Divide the custard among the ramekins.

Pour the boiling water until it comes halfway up the sides of the prepared ramekins.

Cover the pan with foil and bake for about 30 minutes, or until the custards are just set. A good way to check if the custard has set is by dipping a knife into the custard. If it comes out clean, the custards are cooked!

Now, remove the ramekins from the pan, and leave them to cool.

Once they are cooled, start preheating your broiler. Sprinkle the brown sugar evenly over the surface of each custard and broil for 30-60 seconds, or until the the sugar melts and caramelizes. Don’t let that sugar burn, or your custard will curdle, blegh!

Now, place your ramekins back in the fridge. Chill and serve!

Bon App!

It Came From… The Magic City Brewfest!

I had never been to a beer festival before.

One would think, considering how much I like beer, that I would have been to one of these by now. Color me sheltered; I haven’t.

Let’s back it up a bit. I’m doing a short film with an Alabama based film group Obvious Notion. They’re a great group of twisted individuals that you should go and check out, you know, if you like awesome, original work. The short film we’re all working on together is called Engines of Destiny, a Steampunk film that will melt all your faces with awesome.

Yes, I’m biased, but it rocks. Follow us here or on Facebook. End of plug.

One of the cast members, Dave, notified me that on one particular rehearsal weekend, the Magic City Brewfest would be in town. Breweries near and far would be turning out at the beck and call of the Free the Hops organization, a splendid re-imagining of the Rebel Alliance, only instead of battling the Empire, they battle indecent liquor and beer laws. The whole event would be hosted at the Sloss Factory in Birmingham, AL. It took very little to sell me on this. I salivated and said I was in.

So, after our rehearsal, we tooled on over, and I thought I had gone to heaven. First of all, much love goes out to the DD of that night: Brian. Should you haul a DD out with you to the Brewfest, they will be rewarded with a cheaper ticket, and a comped meal, as well as the general glowing respect that all DDs deserve. But, yeah, if it weren’t for Brian, Dave and I would not have been able to run around, giggling with abandon as we drank aaaaaa lot of awesome beer.

A bunch stick out to me in particular. One of the first beers I tried was a beer from the Ommegang Brewery. The light color and crisp texture of the pale ale I tried left me feeling more like I had just sipped on a fine glass of champagne, instead of a beer sample.

Dave and I exchanged samples of Unobtanium Old Ale and a Lily Flagg Milk Stout by Straight to Ale. The Unobtanium was dark and smooth, with a berry finish, I want to say there were some currants mixed in that concoction. Overall, a great beer for a snowy night. The Milk Stout was unexpectedly light for a stout, and had the same smooth nip of ice cold milk.

We had to make a stop by one of my new favorite brewers: Lazy Magnolia. Based out of Mississippi, the only time I can indulge in this excellent brewer is when I head out that way for the film rehearsal. My favorite brew is their Southern Pecan, I eat it up the way our director devours peanut M&Ms by the fistful. The stuff is excellent. Now, they weren’t serving this at the festival, but I was more than satiated by a Lazy Magnolia chocolate stout that reminded me of that awesome hot chocolate the White Witch served Edmund in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (mini-series BBC version, bitches). It is a crime that I cannot get this outside of Alabama. What’s the deal, Mississippi??

Uncle Hootchie just wants everyone to get along.

The list really goes on from there, from the fantastic wheat over at the Choc, to the Ellie’s Brown Ale over at the Avery Brewing tent, no drop was neglected. Spoiling myself rotten with Tommyknocker’s wide array of samples was a self-indulgence I would not mind abusing again in the future. Luckily, I know for sure I can get my hands on those mischievous flavors back here in Georgia.

What else is better than beer? Eating food with beer, and the Magic City BrewFest was a place for local restaurants to bid for my taste buds’ attention. We blew past the stand boasting corn dogs and onion rings. Hey, I don’t turn my nose up to these sorts of food, in fact, I think that “batter” is one of the most under-rated food groups out there, but I was in the mood for something to come off a metal grate poised over smoldering coals. So, not only were we all scoping out those perfect beers, we were keeping our eyes peeled for the big one, and about halfway through the sprawl, the target was acquired.

The ribs themselves were regular pork ribs, but they sparkled, the grilled, glazed top was punctuated by white sesame seeds and flattered by green cilantro leaves. They laid over something yellow and creamy looking. It couldn’t have been a sauce, it was too thick, and it couldn’t have been mashed potatoes, it was too thin. Soon I had my answer to all this fascination: Thai spare ribs served over creamy corn grits. Brought to my still very grateful tastebuds by Zea, these ribs were sweet and juicy. The thick cloy of sugar was absent, and instead a honey (or agave?) finish left the glaze light and complimentary to the meat. The corn grits were simple and the texture was spot-on, a perfect balance between the two often unsavory grit extremes. I guessed the grits were made in creamed-corn soup, but I can’t be totally sure. In any case, those ribs were so damn tasty that we may have all gone to Zea the next day for lunch. They were tickled to hear we were there after sampling their booth at the Brewfest.

Overall, my first experience at a beer festival was mind-altering, and in the best possible way. You look around, and everyone is wearing this same expression of blushing excitement. Cheeky characters like a firetruck overflowing with beer…

and strangers wearing pretzel necklaces…

just added to the surreal, boozy love-fest I had been invited to. A big shout out to the guy who made my access possible: Dave. He was an excellent guide, a towering Willy Wonka in a booze factory I had my very own golden ticket to, tattooed all too temporarily and metallic across the top of my hand. Not only have I been completely turned on to beer festivals, I have been enchanted by the Magic City Brewfest, and will definitely come crawling back for more next time.